My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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