Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
