So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
