couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
