He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
