so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
