I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
