I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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