So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
