this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
