jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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