Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
