so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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