Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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