in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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