Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
