clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
