I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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