my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
