Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
