Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
