Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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