Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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