I wish I could punch you in the face.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
