She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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