I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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