i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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