stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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