I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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