then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
