Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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