DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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