woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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