woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
