Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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