Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
