Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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