hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
