i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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