Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Someone came in the potted fern
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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