My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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