I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
