I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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