I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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