The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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