I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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