She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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