i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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