we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
