My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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