I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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