so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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