12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
