I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
