My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
