Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
