no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
