on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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