I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
