Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
