Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
