i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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