I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
